FIRST, this pregnancy was OUTSIDE God's will for my life, I know this because I was 16, unmarried, and engaging in activity that I know goes against His word. I can paint a "pretty" picture of how this baby had to be His will blah blah blah, BUT that is a LIE...What took place should not have been so, and SIN has very devastating consequences, in this case many lives were shook and a loss of a life. The wonderful part though about our Lord, he is more than willing, and EAGER to receive us back. I would LOVE to say I ran straight into the arms of God and fuly accepted Christ as my Savior and TURNED away from all that brought me to that night...I DIDN'T, I continued to run for years...GUILT, and confusion plaguing every step...
THE BEGINNING: It took Shane and I some time to inform everyone of the pregnancy, STRESS is an understatement. Most nights I cried myself to sleep KNOWING full well I had really MESSED up. My senior year was going to be a TRAIN wreck and I worried about what all was going to be said. I already had "secured" my reputation because I was far from an "angel", but to add this to the top, it was confirmation to what everyone already thought of me. Shane and I disagreed about what to do, abortion was not an option, but my grandpa wanted me to consider adoption. That lit a HUGE fire when I mentioned it to Shane. Shane was insistent that he would NEVER let that happen, he would take the baby and raise the child on his own. He wanted to get married and I just wanted to finish high school. I wanted the baby, but I wanted "my life" too. My grandparents were devastated, so home was not a great place to be. We either "fought", sat in silence, or avoided each other. I could see the heartbreak all over each of them, I had been "taught" better, but I chose SIN over God. Many things were said during that time, from me and them, that honestly still linger...Words have a way of hanging around even when we "wish" we could take them back or forget. I spent a lot of time at my mom's house because it was an escape...My head was a wreck and life just seemed to be spinning out of control...When God says NO, it is not because he wants to take away our "fun", He says NO to PROTECT us.
THE EXPERIENCE: Shane and I had spent the day with my mom and wild brothers, later in the evening I went to the restroom and noticed I was spotting. I felt ok but was concerned, so I mentioned it to Shane. Not even 30 min. later I was having some mild cramping, so Shane suggested I ask my mom what was going on. She called the local hospital and they said to lay down with my feet elevated, I did. Shane went home, b/c of his curfew, and told me to call if I needed anything. My mom drove me home and the cramping would just not go away, so I called her back and told her I wanted to go to the hospital. She picked me up and we were off, I don't think my mom ever drove as fast as she did that night. Once there, they took me into a room right away, a nurse did my BP, weight, and temp. We talked while she worked...she wanted to know if the father was in the picture, what our plans were, etc. She was kind, patient, and she genuinely seemed to care. As she left she said the standard, "the doctor will be with you shortly"...
I lay in that cold room on the hard "bed" for HOURS...Finally the door SWUNG open and the first words out of the doctors mouth, "You are too YOUNG to have a baby any way...." TRUE, but not a very professional way to handle a situation that cannot be done over, we are here, time to face it...After talking to my mom while we waited, she had miscarried previously, I was expecting him to check for a heartbeat, do some blood work, or possibly do an ultrasound...something other than what took place. He asked me to place my legs in the stirrups, I complied. The nurse brought in a tray of "tools" and so it began...It was the most excruciating pain I have ever felt in all of my life. With every poke and tug I thought my whole insides were going to be pulled out...I literally SCREAMED in pain...I wanted my mom to make him stop, I begged him to stop, he said NOTHING just continued working.... The nurse grabbed my hand and squeezed it but offered no words...FINALLY he stopped, "well I got half of it, the other half will pass on its own." WHAT?! He then sent me off to have an ultrasound. I could see the piece of the child left behind...a haunting image, a REAL little life torn apart. That image alone is more painful than the physical pain that caused it, and it stays with you unlike the physical aspect that goes away. My prayer is that the baby was already gone before the doctor even started BUT that is something that only God has the answer to. I don't type this for opinions, I cannot hit rewind to "fix" it, I can only move forward.
THE AFTERMATH: I got home and was met by my grandpa at the door...My mind was even more jumbled than when I left and his words pierced my heart, "are you relieved" Relief was the furthest thing from my mind at that point, and it took all I had not to punch him in the face...Looking back, through adult eyes, I know he just didn't know what to say...I am sure they both felt relief, I know they wanted the BEST and this situation was not the best...I slept for a few hours and then went to my moms house the rest of the day. Shane showed up and stayed with me, I'll never forget his face when I opened the door...Shane was probably more heartbroken than I was at that point, I was just ANGRY...angry I put myself in the situation, angry at my grandparents, angry at the doctor, just plain ANGRY...Anger is how I dealt with life, it was EASY...If you are angry you don't have to face the situation....years of anger for so many other things and this was just the cherry on top...A wound I inflicted, because of my sin.
NEW LIFE: Married with 2 kids and 1 on the way, I surrendered my life to Christ in the fall of 2005. Immediately I understood my need for Him, the MESS that I was...BUT I still struggled with "accepting" His grace for myself....He continued showing me His LOVE as I continued seeking, and he still is showing me... I did not realize how much I had buried over the years, this situation was one of the many. In Oct. 06, I got a crash course in grief. My friends lost their little boy and it triggered all the emotions I had been holding in. I was finally starting to give God the child I had held onto for all those years through my anger. I was finally FORGIVING myself and accepting his grace for the train wreck mess I had made...I was finally able to look at the situation and see GOOD, from heartbreak. I was understanding more about how much God loved me in spite all I had done. While even though, something completely out of God's will, He still loved me. He was making it for MY good, even though it hurt like hell. I got a "little brush" of what God must have felt handing his child over for me, letting go was a must to move forward in a relationship I TREASURE. Transformation of my mind is something He continually is doing, when I live in surrender
HOPE: I don't know where you are personally in your life that has brought you to consider abortion, or maybe you have had an abortion and you now have extreme regret, burden, and pain. I don't pretend to "understand" the struggle within you, all that I know for certain is the PAIN, REGRET, HURT, GRIEF, SORROW, ANGER, Etc. that I felt for so many years of my life, because of this ONE night in an ER room where MY CHILD was lost, b/c of MY SIN. I still battle with , "was it a miscarriage" or "did I lay there and let him abort my child"....You WILL grieve, you WILL regret...Abortion is NOT the easy way out...a life ending in death is NEVER easy so please do not fool yourself. Some things I wish someone had told me at 16, or that I would have better understood... IF you have already ended the pregnancy I want you to really read this...If you had sex outside marriage and have found yourself pregnant or raising a child and others have abandon you, please know....
- YES, you SINNED
- BUT, you are not forever CONDEMNED
- You CAN be FORGIVEN
- GOD still LOVES you
- GOD still DESIRES you
- GOD still says you're WORTH IT
GOD didn't come for the "righteous", He came for you and me, the SINNER! There is NOTHING we can do to ever EARN our salvation and freedom, it is a GIFT. HE can take our worst moments and turn them around for HIS glory. There is always consequences to sin, and some are life long. BUT praise God, eternal HOPE can still be ours!! When you feel you are alone and NO ONE cares, and that what you have done is unforgivable...KNOW, that is a LIE!! God is waiting to hear from you. It is a CHOICE...life or death, eternally....CHOOSE WISELY... forgiven is forgiven, so LIVE your life showing you are so very THANKFUL for this gift!! How?! Completely surrendered to His spirit, relying only on Him moment by moment....Let Him transform your mind, heart, and soul today....Get in His word, get on your knees, spend some time with Him. Allow him to speak his truth over you and become the LORD over you...
2 comments:
Brandi, thank you for sharing this with us. I cannot imagine the pain you must have gone through during this time. I remember our little study when you were pregnant with Kempton...what a change in you :) I'm so happy you let go and let God change you :)
God really used all of you in that study so much in my life...Miss you girl!!!
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